Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.