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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
buying dead houseplants to save time
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.