I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
How to draw a duck
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”