“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
sleeping beauty
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
OKAY DAD
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
called in thicc to work this morning