You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
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I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
#ProTip
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)