You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
You Might Also Like
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.