You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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meow
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!