Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
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Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.