You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
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Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.