You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.