Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying