You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
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I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.