You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
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Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.