<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
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inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Hero horse inspires millions
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”