Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.