“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”