@sammyrhodes: Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby's house elf friends free.

@Adam_Kingsnorth: Starbucks? Yes I'd like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name's Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

@Cheeseboy22: Whenever I am with my family and someone says, "Wow, you have a beautiful family!" I reply, "Well, we left the ugly ones at home."

@redthe1: Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy" *hope

@jake_lach: I accidentally ate one of my dog's bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN'S OUTSIDE