Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
That took me a moment.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast