My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄