You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I’m calling the cops.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I’ve had worse
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)