Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
You Might Also Like
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.