This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
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I have written yet another poem about laundry
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?