You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
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ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My what?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
2 years later
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.