You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.