You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”