I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
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Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?