You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.