Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
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Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it