You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!