You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
You Might Also Like
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.