Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.