You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Well well well…
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.