You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.