You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
You Might Also Like
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
classic mixup
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.