You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
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time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
58.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Some of y’all tomorrow …
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂