I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Velcrow
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat