You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
reminder
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.