@curlycomedy: You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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@DomesticGoddss: Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
@akatinamarie: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
@captainkalvis: WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall! ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
@squirrel74wkgn: You know what sucks about Karaoke? Coworkers don't appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna