You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
At least he brought enough for everyone
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*