Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday