“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
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Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My therapist after every session
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping