@chrisrockoz: You only live once, so don't forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
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@burnie: Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver? *Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story* Interviewer: you're just what we need
@Sean_Burgundy_: Women would be better serial killers if they didn't smile when people mention someone's been missing
@desijourno: When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
@TheRealNickKay: SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers? WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ....Chicken pox