I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
You Might Also Like
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.