I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
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I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Perfect
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority