*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
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Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.