You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.