You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
You Might Also Like
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Noted.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back