You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Time heals everything 🙂
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.