@lisaxy424: You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.
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@_b1p0larbear: I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on. Then I dropped it onto her nose. She's awake now.
@Marlebean: Dear future self, No, you weren't robbed. You left your house like this. Sincerely, You, you dumb slob.
@ArfMeasures: BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs. Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
@liv_thatsme: HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER: Hi, I'm your server. "Our son got a degree!" Wow! I have a Master's. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?