@lisaxy424: You people who don't wear glasses don't realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone's being a moron.
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@TomDaddario: My wife's favorite position was cat style. She'd sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn't come near me
@Ivsy01: Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don't know.
@iLightbulb: Me:I need to focus on work Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning? Me:Yeah that was sweet Brain: Let's sing that instead
@AlexRogaski: The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order