You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
You Might Also Like
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me checking my bank balance online.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.