you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Investing in beetcoin
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them