I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow