@donni: YOU: Please be aware--
ME: I'm not. I never will be. I've never even SEEN a "ware"
@Matt_The_1st: Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.
@DamienFahey: If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.
@Marlebean: Hostess:There's a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It'll be 43 min
@ohthatbadger: X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He's on paws.
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.